Did you know that you have a part of your brain that lies at the base of your neck that is basically holds the key to survival? I'm sure it has a very fancy name, but I'm not sure what that is. What I do know is that it is your sort of "primitive" brain that holds your "fight" or "flight" instinct. When things get crazy, or desperate, you just automatically "go there", to that place, to that part of your brain, and you either stay and fight, or you run away. You essentially go primitive to survive. It is shown that a lot of behaviorally challenged children go quickly to this part of the brain when they feel they are in danger, or about to lose control. You really can't reason with someone when they go primitive, because they are just in a survival mode. The other thing is, it's not real good to stay in that "primitive" state for to long....
How do I know these things? Because I "go" there quickly, in fact, it's where I have lived for the past few months.....
On the flip side of the primitive brain, you also have a highly developed pre-frontal cortex that helps with reasoning, understanding, explaining...NOT primitive, NOT where I have been AT ALL!!!
It is taking quite a toll on me to be in this "survival"mode ALL THE TIME-I think it was easy for me to "go there", because I spent a great deal of my childhood there, so I think once I felt the need to go back there, it was, well, quite natural..
I am exhausted. Please understand me, not like ,"oh my, I am so tired" Or, "man, I ran 10 miles today." tired...but exhausted. I feel as if I am swimming upstream with no hopes of spawning my eggs...just swimming upstream with no great event, only the ultimate event, ultimate death. Swimming, swimming, swimming and thats it! I have come to the conclusion, that there is no winner in this foster care system...NOT the children, NOT the foster parents, NOT even the parents if they get their children back (why do you think so many children go into care again?) NO ONE WINS...I am fighting and fighting for NO ONE TO WIN...I am swimming upstream without spawning...
But you know what? I will keep swimming, keep fighting, because there are very important little people in my house that need me to keep swimming, even if I lose, even if they lose, because in the end, what I think matters, is that someone DID swim for you, that someone thought you were IMPORTANT ENOUGH TO SWIM FOR...
So, in my hypothalamus (? correct term?) of fight or flight, which is fight fight fight right now, I will keep "swimming" and not turn and "swim" away. There will be no "flight".
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